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January 17, 2011 by TwilightMoviesUS
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Watch vampires suck online free

VAMPIRES SUCK
Hey! I don’t know a single person who has not watch a single movie of the sensational box office, Twilight Saga. It has been the most talked about book series, adapted to film starred by Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.
But who would have guessed that later on a new release will come? Maybe not the most anticipated sequel of the Twilight, yet it’s the movie that will surely divert the attention of Twilight and non-Twilight fans into a different outlook regarding the humour of the characters.
VAMPIRES SUCK is a comedy spoof about contemporary teen angst and romance movies. The movie written and directed by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer starred by Jenn Proske, Chris Riggi, Matt Lanter, Ken Jeong, Arielle Kebbel will be out on August 18, 2010.
Synopsis:
From the folks who brought you Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie comes Vampires Suck. Becca (Bella), an anxious, non-vampire teen, is torn between two boys. Before she can choose, Becca must get around her controlling father, who embarrasses Becca by treating her like a child. Meanwhile, Becca’s friends contend with their own romantic issues — all of which collide at the prom.
Vampires Suck will surely take a bite out of New Moon. Go ahead! Have a laugh watching the movie right only here. Check out the trailer below and get ready to see the “Black Eyed Peas” and see Jacob jump above Becca and lands in his chihuahua form.
Warning: For the love of sanity, taking the movie seriously is not advised.

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Watch Vampires Suck Online Free

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Watch Vampires Suck Online

January 12, 2011 by TwilightMoviesUS
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by juli ryan

Watch Vampires Suck Online

Watch Vampires Suck Online

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Watch Vampires Suck Online

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Watch Vampires Suck Movie Online at http://FreebieMovie.com

I now know what it is like to die. We are all going to Hell, because only in a world ruled by Satan and devoid of a kind and loving God could a movie like Vampires Suck exist.

To put it another way, this is not a very good movie. It’s an utterly toothless satire of Twilight and New Moon, and if that pun made you laugh, then you’re in luck – a large majority of the jokes in the movie are puns ripped straight from the pages of a knock-knock joke book for third graders. This replaces the duo’s former tropes of lame Michael Jackson jokes and Brangelina adoption references. This movie actually shows Friedberg and Seltzer breaking some new comedy ground by exchanging some of their old bad habits for new habits that are bad in completely different ways. For example, there isn’t a single midget to be found, and only one character gets farted on. Also gone are the parade of endless pop-culture references and characters from random movie trailers. These have been replaced by… absolutely nothing. Vampires Suck may very well be the first comedy ever made that consists almost entirely of characters walking between set-pieces, and occasionally driving between them. Most of this is in slow-motion. Not all has changed, though – the movie contains the absolutely staggering amount of fight sequences and totally pointless dance-offs that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are known for. In fact, the last fifteen minutes are almost entirely made up of alternating dancing and fighting scenes.

Now, I know my usual thing with reviews of these kinds of movies is to go over every single joke, but I can’t bring myself to do that for this one. Not because the jokes are so excruciatingly bad, but because they’re so excruciatingly dull (also, because since the movie’s not out yet, I’m trying to keep my spoilage to the bare minimum as to not get sued.) At least Disaster Movie had the courtesy to be spectacularly atrocious. If anything, it exists as a time capsule of the very moment we, as a society, decided that having people dressed like pop culture figures walk onto the screen and state their name directly into the camera could constitute as an entire joke. Vampires Suck, however, is so unremittingly lame that mocking it seems almost cruel. For example, take the scene that parodies the part in New Moon where Bella drives a motorcycle really fast down a winding dirt road. In Vampires Suck, Bella drives a motorcycle really fast down a winding dirt road… while playing a guitar! Or, take the parody of with scene from Twilight where Edward watches Bella sleep. In Vampires Suck, Edward watches Bella sleep… while wearing curlers in his hair and applying Crest Whitestrips! How do you even make fun of something like that? It’s two minutes of setup apiece, and neither one ends in a complete punchline. It’s the cinematic equivalent of an editorial cartoon from Readers Digest. “Werewolf peeing on a fire hydrant” is ripped straight out of a Halloween-themed colouring book. “Vampires eat Count Chocula” is so lame it wouldn’t be printed on a box of Count Chocula.

Let’s try going over the very first scene in detail. The movie opens with Edward Sullen (if you’re already rolling your eyes, I highly recommend closing your browser window now) exposing himself to the Volturi at a Vampire-themed High School prom. Stripping naked in the sunlight, his body starts to glitter and his penis turns into a disco ball (this is the audience’s cue to march out of the theatre and demand a refund.) The Volturi stand around and apply sunblock while drinking True Blood out of 40oz malt liquor bottles. A swarm of women in Team Edward shirts, and another swarm of women in Team Jacob shirts, start duking it out with medieval weapons for no particular reason, except to introduce a running gag where Twilight is a series of books and movies that exists in a universe that’s identical to Twilight already, except with far more characters getting kicked in the groin. This gag later culminates into the cast going to the movies to watch Eclipse and spoiling the ending to the people waiting in line. It’s the kind of metahumor that Mel Brooks could pull off effortlessly in his prime. Vampires Suck, however, makes Dracula: Dead and Loving It seem like Young Frankenstein. It makes Stan Helsing seem like Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Anyway, Bella comes running to save him, leaping high into the air in slow motion, a gag that will be repeated approximately one hundred and eighty billion times by the end of the movie. A vampire with one giant middle tooth leaps in the air to stop Becca. The movie freeze-frames here, and it’s the last we’ll see of the Volturi again until this exact same scene happens again during the climax in slightly under an hour.

That’s less than two minutes of running time right there. By the 18 minute mark, there have already been two giant fight scenes, two incest jokes, a bowling ball getting dropped on a baby, the cast of The Jersey Shore showing up in a high school cafeteria for no reason whatsoever, and good look at a vampire’s Facebook profile (same as everyone’s, apparently). Twilight’s famous scene of a fan blowing Bella’s scent to Edward is parodied by having Edward put on a hazmat suit. A man gets his neck broken and screams in pain for a disturbing length of time. Bella farts in her sleep and blows Edward out the window. Edward shows he’s dangerous by shooting Alice and knocking her down the rabbit hole. Edward is attacked by a vampire squirrel. I’m not even skipping that much – the movie is really that devoid of jokes, and the ones that do exist really are that dire. The jokes that aren’t horribly disgusting are so juvenile they’d be rejected from a Saturday morning cartoon. Vampires put condiments on people, drink blood with a silly straws, wear false teeth, see the big picture by literally looking at a giant picture, and walk human-form werewolves on leashes. A vampire drinks someone’s blood by biting them on the INSERT FANGS HERE tattoo on their neck. The movie ends with Ken Jeong being made Prom King, a plot that was only introduced five minutes earlier, and Edward gets killed by a girl with a TEAM JACOB shirt. It’s even more boring to write about than it is to watch, and I can’t imagine reading it is any easier. And I haven’t even touched on the smaller gags, like how all the businesses in town of Sporks (yes, Sporks) are Vampire-themed.

There are exactly five punchlines that the movie recycles over and over again, and they are LOL VAMPIRES, LOL GROSS, LOL PUN, LOL GAY, and LOL BLACK. I’ve covered the first three in more than enough detail already, but the last two deserve a brief look. I’ve accused Friedberg and Seltzer of making movies that come across homophobic and racist in the past, and this movie isn’t any different. All of the buff, shirtless natives are flamingly gay and dance to “It’s Raining Men”, and the black vampire is perpetually stoned. The movie has exactly one black character, and he’s a stoner. In 2010. I honestly can’t remember a single black character from any Seltzerberg movie that wasn’t a massive pothead, or a single gay character that wasn’t flaming. I’m not sure how a script with a gay character yelling “Go get him, girls!” to a bunch of other gay men managed to get greenit in twenty fucking ten, but here it is!

The casting of this movie is just downright depressing. The head of the Volturi is played by Ken Jeong, who gets maybe five minutes of screen time, and manages to do absolutely nothing with it. His character is given no motivation or character definition, and his pasty white makeup ends up making him look like he has food poisoning. Dave Foley has even less screen time as the High School principal, and spends his few brief scenes on the verge of tears and with a look of utter self-loathing in his eyes. Diedrich Bader, who plays Bella’s father, gives the movie its single good performance, and occasionally manages to reel the movie in from “unwatchable” to just “bad”. The rest of the cast is passable, neither good or memorably bad. Everyone and everything is just so forgettable that I started hoping for a truly terrible performance just so something interesting would happen.

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Vampires Suck T-Shirt

December 29, 2010 by TwilightMoviesUS
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by Nothing’s gonna change my world.

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Vampires Suck T-Shirt

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Vampires- A Brief History

The mythological or folkloric vampire originates from Eastern Europe. Vampires were popularised in the early 18th century as vampire superstition began to increase in Western Europe. Mass hysteria even led to corpses being staked and people being accused of vampirism.

It was the publication of The Vampyre by John Polidori released in 1819 that really got people talking about vampires. It’s original, sophisticated story became arguably the most influential vampire work in the early 18th century. Later that century in 1897, Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula became the basis of modern day vampire fiction.

Today

Now the vampire genre has become hugely popular and vampires are everywhere! Books, films, video games, kids cartoons and television shows have made vampires the most well know fictional beings in the world!

The “Twilight” books and films have become massive in popular culture. It is based around the vampire genre but it’s the good looking stars and lusty plots that have attracted the masses of all ages. It’s very fashionable to fantasize about vampires, even children are obsessed with vampires whereas years gone by they wouldn’t have dreamed to read or watch stories on the vampire myth because it was considered scary and bloodthirsty.

Mass communication via internet and social networking sites have made vampires less scary and more cool! Kids and teenagers even WANT to be vampires which could be considered a worrying trend.

Media industries have picked up on the demand for vampire based stories and characters and have cashed in on the genre.

There are more and more book, movies, television shows etc being made everyday around the genre because it’s a safe option for success. It’s ashame the myth has become a £ or $ sign as oppose to the evil bloodsucking myth it was yesterday. Maybe it’s the media industries that are the modern vampires of today but instead of blood, money is what they drain out of people.

The best T-Shirt I’ve ever seen however is this Vampire Sucks T-Shirt.

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Watch Vampires Suck Online Movie For Free

October 30, 2010 by TwilightMoviesUS
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Watch Vampires Suck Online Movie For Free

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The scam artists responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie are back with their latest con, Vampires Suck, one of those rare movies with a self-reviewing title. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are widely reviled as the most untalented filmmaking hacks in the business today. That the DVDs for some of their previous crimes against cinema have boasted commentary tracks of film critics ripping on how terrible their films are only cements my belief that they are con men that know they’re untalented hacks and don’t care because they’ve found some success with their special brand of cheap, lazy, crudely constructed comedies so depressingly unfunny they leave you longing for the comparatively upbeat nature of a Lars Von Triers movie.

For the remainder of this review I will refer to Friedberg & Seltzer simply as “F&S” for short. F&S is kind of like S&M, except there are actually people that derive pleasure from the pain generated by S&M. If you know anyone that derives pleasure from F&S, those people are to be shunned for the betterment of mankind.

The mental anguish of Vampires Suck began immediately with a hopelessly incompetent opening sequence that wraps around to the climax set at the high school prom. The alleged jokes in this pre-title portion included teenage girls representing “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” hitting one another with shovels, a naked sparkling vampire with a glimmering disco ball covering his privates, a vampire drinking a bottle of “True Blood”, another vampire applying suntan lotion, and a vampire revealing a single triangular fang like that you’d see on a vampire chipmunk, which, by the way, we will actually get one of later on. By the time the title appeared on the screen I was fully prepared for an experience about as enjoyable as teabagging a blender.

The one thing working in these grifters favor is this time they have an actual structure to build upon (key scenes and plot points from the first two Twilight movies) unlike say their previous sham, Disaster Movie, the first ever full-length motion picture based around parodying scenes from the trailers of movies that had yet to open at the time of filming. Doesn’t change the fact that the best they can come up with still produces fewer laughs than b-roll footage from a snuff film.

Twilight is so rife for parodying yet these two cinema swindlers consistently miss their target by relying on their usual disarray of jokes that are just excuses to make a pop culture reference regardless of its lack of context, jokes that go for lowest common denominator punch lines, jokes they run into the ground even after they flopped the first time, jokes meant to make you groan that still end up doing so for the wrong reasons, jokes that actually require the actors to explain the joke and why it’s supposed to be funny, and I lost track of the sheer number of times I was expected to laugh just because someone got randomly hit hard in the head, face, or back. Even understanding what makes basic slapstick work is asking too much of F&S. They also operate under the mistaken assumption that if someone angrily shouts “bitch” at the end of a sentence that automatically makes the line funny. They even end their movie in such a manner.

Moody teenage heroine Bella Swan, sullen vampire Edward Cullen, and angst-ridden teen wolf Jacob Black have been cleverly renamed Becca Crane, Edward Sullen, and Jacob White. The town of Forks, Washington is now named Sporks. This is as clever as it gets.

“Just your breathing is the greatest gift you could ever give me,” says vampire Edward, crouched over a sleeping Becca. Then she farts in his face and he tumbles backwards out of her bedroom window.

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Now playing in theaters!!! VAMPIRES SUCK is a comedy about contemporary teen angst and romance movies. Becca, an anxious, non-vampire teen, is torn between two boys. Before she can choose, Becca must get around her controlling father, who embarrasses Becca by treating her like a child. Meanwhile, Becca’s friends contend with their own romantic issues — all of which collide at the prom. vampiressuckmovie.com
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